Saturday, January 3, 2009

m not finished yet !!!!

I felt trapped. I felt suffocated. I felt lost. I felt like crying n cried a lot. Is nt dat how u ud feel wen ur only companion, only confidante ditches u? I felt da same, just da same.

b4 ur guesses turn wild, let me clear dat its not bout my bf.............its studies.
just a month ago, i learnt it the hard way, that the only thing i was cared 4, at schul,at home,among frnds was dat i was a gud student(i still am n am going 2 prove dat very soon).when my marks in half-yearly fell byond expectations, i was kept being told dat sum change had cum over me, dat i was no mor wat i used 2 b, dat i did nt hav it in me nemore.i kno a student who has always averaged 92 plus % is nt expected 2 suddenly fall 2 84.but i kno they r telling this just 2 motivate me, 2 egg me on 2 get better scores next tym.i kno they don't mean it frm der heart wen they say i don't hav it in me nemor.but da only thing dat hurt me byond words can reflect is dat my value, my stature, my everything was reduced wen i failed 2 deliver in studies wat i was so used 2.i was forced 2 ask myself, am i nothing 4 my family, my teachers if i fail once, just once, 2 score in an examination?has my value been sold 2 da report card, dat if i get a 79 in physics n a 75 in chemistry, i m finished?why can't they all 4give me once, just once?btw, is it my academic abilities only dat hav kept me still surviving in dis world?i hav so very much been associated wid those 90 plus marks, dat without dem........i ve no existence at all?i kno i ll cum back hard, very hard.still.......

our half yearly exam copies hav been shown since a month n in a 4tnight, we r having our 3rd felt like writing bout it.

i hail frm a family where academic excellence is the hallmark of a person's capabilities.even at schul, in each n every examination i ve at least lived upto the, i can understand how shocked they wer all wen the exam copies wer out.but shud nt they too understand?understand dat i must hav been shocked too,dat i must hav felt agitated, helpless, dat i must hav been looking 4 dat 1 consolation,"4get bout wat happened, we knoe u ll do much better next tym"?
reasons, well..............even i don't know wat went preparation was ok, if not gr8.probably, i was too busy wid biology n hence cud nt pay dat much attention to phy n chem.but then, our bio course had been completed in a hurry n we did nt even hav a single revision, i had to give it extra attention.evy1 noticed my below 80 marks in phy-chem but no one seemed to care bout my 88 in bio, which was mor than decent in the circumstances(only two other students got 75 plus).n my 94 in english......."isme kya hai, tum to hamesha 90 + rakhte ho."gr8! at least 1 thing in me has not changed", i wanted to shout back.