Saturday, June 9, 2012

Confusion Reigns

What a stormy month it was!
*Exams(2 difficult, 3 easy but thankfully all satisfactory)
*Roommate gone(only 3 people left out of 14in the PG; no, contrary to what u may think I m nt a loner)
*Renovation in PG(thak-thak-thak-thak...ARGGHHH)
*Cook uncle gone(the landlady is as good a cook as me)
*Research proposal submission with short notice(which turned out to be appreciated by the professors)
*Interview for assignment of project(the best thing that happened to me in 2nd year)
*No ticket to come back, frantic requests to distant relatives and their friends in Delhi, journey to home with a stranger for a companion who was getting on my nerves with his incessant chatter.....
Talk about a super fast roller coaster ride!
But it was all worth it for I believe my last 3 days at home have been made all the more special by the happenings in May. And now I have time to breathe, to write and to catch up on reading.

Several things have struck my mind over the last few days and made me terribly confused:color: #181818; line-height: 18px;"> I don't know whether I should stop reading Ayn Rand and go back to watching 'Awakening with the Brahmakumaris' videos or explore Rand more. The latter seems more exciting as Rand appeals to my mind, but I know for lasting peace, I'll need to turn to the former someday. I m not a true Objectivist anyways as I believe in God and Rand says that there is no middle path. Too bad that my brand of spirituality wants color: #181818; line-height: 18px;">me to stick to the middle path.
So you get the picture. In the last few months, color: #181818; line-height: 18px;">Spirituality has had an on-and-off relationship with me. It saved me from depression and identity crisis 3 years back and Brahmakumari Sister Shivani is still my role model but Ayn Rand's 'For the new intellectual' has created a conflict in my mind which I don't think I'll b able to resolve very soon. 

 Another issue is my future. I continue to fall deeper and deeper in love with psychology as I keep coming across new vistas but my prior commitment to bring about social change keeps telling me that this is not my destiny. I know I can still make a difference remaining a full time researcher in psychology but the main reason I have always wanted to be in the IAS is that the size of the canvas will be bigger, as compared to say, a social worker in an NGO or even a psychologist doing path-breaking research and suggesting reforms and measures for betterment of society. As a bureaucrat, I would have the power to see my vision turn into reality and I would have the authority to see to it that my work is not hassled by petty social/ political forces. Hence when I took up Psychology Hons. I was very certain that right after graduation I would totally immerse myself in my preparation for UPSC. It was to be a short term affair with psychology, nothing more. But in 2nd year, I have been bowled over, time and time again. Psychology has become a part of 'me'. It scares me to think that there will come a time when psychology will no longer remain an integral part of my life. Of course, the least I can do is to continue with it in post graduation and I have let my parents know that I am going to do exactly that. Still it is a terrible dilemma I am confronting every single day: to remain a psychologist or go become a civil servant. I know I need not worry so much as I still have 3 years to decide but it is not as simple as it seems. I often wonder whether I should brush up my GS during free time or read books having to do with psychology. I have been called commitment phobic earlier, unjustly, and now it seems like I really am one.

Anyways, here's a lovely quote I came across yesterday: 
color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">“The most confused we ever get is when we're trying to convince our heads of something our heart knows is a lie.”
But then Ayn Rand says follow your mind, not your heart. Sigh!

I know I need to figure it out myself. I'll eventually. For now I guess I need to enjoy the confusion.

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