Monday, August 13, 2012

An earnest request

Dear X
If I were to make a list of what all I don't like about you, it would run very long. There are just so many such things. Take for example how terribly helpless you make me feel. Freud would say this post is an attempt at intellectualisation and isolation, and for once I would whole heartedly agree with him. Writing about you, here, 'is' an attempt to ward off the anxiety threatening to make me mad. Trying to sound angry 'is' an attempt to make sure I don't slip into depression. And imagine all this because of what's going on in your life with no fault of yours! Ah! I don't like this state of helplessness. I really don't. Your pain pierces my soul and gnaws at me all day. That you try to keep it away from me makes me all the more miserable. I may sob all night long but that's actually all of what I manage to do, and this makes me feel pathetic about myself. And this world, too. No matter how much faith I may have in humanity, the human beings around you who have made your life what it is have left me utterly hopeless. You know that I don't like feeling hopeless.


I keep asking God 'why' but he doesn't reply. Strangely, when it comes to me, he never fails to come to my rescue but when it is you, he chooses to react as if he can't hear me. I have told him a number of times how guilty I feel loaded with all this happiness about me yet he keeps loading me with more and more success and people to make me happier still. I asked him today to give some happiness of my share to you. How foolish of me not to have come up with this prayer before. I'm sure you had prayed to him long back to give my sorrows to you. That's of course mean. But then when exactly have you been fair? You thrived in shouldering other people's sorrows and making them your own, so now it is for you to reap the harvest of all that needless accumulation of burdens. Thinking about yourself never came to you naturally, no? Who is to blame then, when now you are entrapped in a state where you are not allowed to think for you?

Anyways, all I want to tell you is stop sabotaging yourself further. You are killing me, every single minute of the day. Try and find out some way to be happy. I can be truly happy only when I know that you are happy. If not for yourself, try doing it for me. I couldn't have  told you all this directly nor could I have asked you to read it, but I knew the universe would work its magic and send my message to you. And so it did, I hope. 

13 comments:

  1. I hope he reads this.

    Everything will be fine Sudha. Keep your faith!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Faith is what has kept me sane till now. Hopefully it will not desert me anytime soon. Thanks :)

      Delete
  2. There is always a answer to a question put before GOD,the thing only few recognize and most do not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True. But God gives clear cut answers when it comes to questions pertaining to myself and chooses to be irritatingly enigmatic when it comes to that person I have talked about here. That's what I find unsettling.

      Delete
  3. I hate such situations. I'm sure things will be fine babe.. And I know saying such things may not make a difference, but he'll find his reasons. He will finally get the faith and reason! Be patient love. And don't blame yourself or beat yourself up!

    *hugs* :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your words are soothing and I would hate to be cynical. Thanks :)
      *Hugs* :)

      Delete
  4. Lest a certain 'he' should go mad (and pull his hair out trying to figure things out) on reading the post and the above comments, I have decided to clear the air- it is a 'she' that has been talked about in this post(as in many others in which a 'he' seems to be most probable subject). I know it is very natural to think that I have talked about my boyfriend here, but then things rarely are what they seem to be on the surface. Over the last one day, things certainly have improved, though I don't really know if that's reason enough to rejoice keeping in mind how small it is in the larger scheme of things. nevertheless, thanks to all the kind souls who sympathised with me. Prayers do wonders and that's one reason I pour out my miseries on my blog.

    ReplyDelete
  5. He or she does not matter, I just hope your prayers work for him/her :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. gotta believe things will get better.. this is actually a very sweet thoughtful post

    ReplyDelete
  7. So many good wishes will not be wasted... all d best ....

    ReplyDelete

Hey there! Your comment might prove to be just the push needed for me to write more frequently and with a bit more thought and planning. Do take out a minute or two and tell me what you felt about this blog or this post of mine and any suggestions you think might prove to be useful. Your comment is highly awaited...